The only time I commit to conspiracy theories is when something way retarded happens. Like Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone.

The misconception is that standup comics are always on. I don't know any really funny comics that are annoying and constantly trying to be funny all the time.

I've been involved in mixed martial arts since 1997 when I first started working for the UFC.

I'll go to church with anyone who's willing to smoke pot and look through a telescope with me.

I read the things that scientists have figured out, and apply what they say is beneficial, but at the end of the day I'm the wrong person to get unchallenged nutritional advice from.

People are scared man, they're scared of the void.

You could smell my ass from mars.