People say you can abuse marijuana. You can abuse cheeseburgers. Does that mean we should close Burger Kings.

Because I have a girlfriend, I try and take the straight and narrow path, which is good because it prevents VD.

The Comedy Store in LA, it's a really loose room and it's really dark and creepy and a great place to explore your own thoughts onstage.

If I could make the same amount of money doing standup it would be no contest. The problem is that if you do make that kind of money doing standup, it's not in clubs, it's in big auditoriums and large venues, and I really think something is lost when you do standup for a big crowd.

I'm really happy that I've been able to make people laugh and distract them from their day to day bullshit at a comedy show or because they enjoyed one of my CDs or TV specials, but I don't know how many people have actually had life changing thoughts because of it.

Every single religion that has ever been on the face of the Earth, ever, is a cult. That’s all they are.

Houston Alexander is for real!