When you snatch little pieces of other people's lives and try to palm them off as your own, that's more disgusting than anything. Robin Williams is a huge thief. Denis Leary is a huge thief. His whole stand-up career is based on Bill Hicks, a brilliant guy who died years ago.

People say you can abuse marijuana. You can abuse cheeseburgers. Does that mean we should close Burger Kings.

The audience changes every night. You're the same person. You have to speak your mind and do the stuff that you think is funny and makes you laugh.

The two things I understand best are stand-up comedy and martial arts. And those things require an ultimate grasp of the truth. You have to be objective about your skills and abilities to compete in both.

If life wasn't real it would be the craziest psychedelic trip ever

I love existing in pre big bang conditions.

Aspire to be the man you pretend to be when you're trying to get laid.