Anytime we go to a new town I try to book a show. I literally know nothing about the club.

The only time I commit to conspiracy theories is when something way retarded happens. Like Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone.

People say you can abuse marijuana. You can abuse cheeseburgers. Does that mean we should close Burger Kings.

Because I have a girlfriend, I try and take the straight and narrow path, which is good because it prevents VD.

When women go to see men strip, we never accuse you of hating men.

I'll go to church with anyone who's willing to smoke pot and look through a telescope with me.

It's painful for me to watch someone who isn't funny. It's horrifying to sit in the back and watch some guy who just totally sucks.