Phil Hartman was brilliant, and Dave Foley is a really funny guy. Phil Hartman was actually even funnier offstage than he was onstage because he would say nasty things. Dave Foley's very funny, very witty guy, very quick.

I was like, "This is a new thing that the gay people have decided? That's the gayest thing I've ever heard in my life." You can't do that. You can't decide that a word is forbidden now collectively amongst your group of human beings, that the word is a slanderous evil nasty word about homosexuals. It's not, the word doesn't mean that. And sometimes it's a good word to use in comedy. That's what your friend has to realize when he's at a bar just yelling out the word.

This country has a mental health problem disguised as a gun problem, and a tyranny problem disguised as a security problem.

People say you can abuse marijuana. You can abuse cheeseburgers. Does that mean we should close Burger Kings.

A lot of times, you beat a person who beat a person who can beat you. I mean, it doesn't make any sense.

The planet's spinning a thousand miles an hour around this gigantic nuclear explosion while these people roll these machines with rubber tires over this hard surface that we've laid down over the planet so that we can easily move ourselves back and forth.

Aspire to be the man you pretend to be when you're trying to get laid.