I’m afraid of heights. Not unreasonably, but rationally afraid of heights. I think everyone is.

Our entire civilization is built on a foundation of unfixable bullshit.

My company is called Talking Monkey, Inc. It's because that's what I think all people are: talking monkeys.

I've actually been doing stand up for more than 20 years. I started in 1988. It's almost 30 years! Which is crazy.

One of the great things about Houston is that they police themselves. It's the way Boston was in the '80s. No hacks or thieves are tolerated in the community, and that's HUGE.

If I could make the same amount of money doing standup it would be no contest. The problem is that if you do make that kind of money doing standup, it's not in clubs, it's in big auditoriums and large venues, and I really think something is lost when you do standup for a big crowd.

When women go to see men strip, we never accuse you of hating men.