Mr. [John] Barrymore's smile was the smile of an actor who hates actors, and who knows that he is going to kill two or three before the play is over. I am not an actor-killer, but I like my Hamlets to dislike actors, if you know what I mean, and I think you don't.

Dying is the last thing I will ever do.

Busy yourselves with this, you damned walruses, while the rest of use proceed with the libretto.

My only regret in the theater is that I could never sit out front and watch me.

America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin For one dollar and use it up in two weeks.

When archaeologists discover the missing arms of Venus de Milo, they will find she was wearing boxing gloves.

Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.