Mr. [John] Barrymore's smile was the smile of an actor who hates actors, and who knows that he is going to kill two or three before the play is over. I am not an actor-killer, but I like my Hamlets to dislike actors, if you know what I mean, and I think you don't.

Dying is the last thing I will ever do.

The trouble with life is that there are so many beautiful women and so little time.

You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.

Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?

I am thinking of taking a fifth wife. Why not? Solomon had a thousand wives and he is a synonym for wisdom.

If it isn't the sheriff, it's the finance company; I've got more attachments on me than a vacuum cleaner.