I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o clock in the morning.

My wife was too beautiful for words, but not for arguments.

Busy yourselves with this, you damned walruses, while the rest of use proceed with the libretto.

Mr. [John] Barrymore's smile was the smile of an actor who hates actors, and who knows that he is going to kill two or three before the play is over. I am not an actor-killer, but I like my Hamlets to dislike actors, if you know what I mean, and I think you don't.

Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

Dying is the last thing I will ever do.

You can only be as good as you dare to be bad.