You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.

Mr. [John] Barrymore's smile was the smile of an actor who hates actors, and who knows that he is going to kill two or three before the play is over. I am not an actor-killer, but I like my Hamlets to dislike actors, if you know what I mean, and I think you don't.

Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?

I am thinking of taking a fifth wife. Why not? Solomon had a thousand wives and he is a synonym for wisdom.

Method acting? There are quite a few methods. Mine involves a lot of talent, a glass, and some cracked ice.

Busy yourselves with this, you damned walruses, while the rest of use proceed with the libretto.

The trouble with life is that there are so many beautiful women and so little time.