You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.

My only regret in the theater is that I could never sit out front and watch me.

I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o clock in the morning.

America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin For one dollar and use it up in two weeks.

Busy yourselves with this, you damned walruses, while the rest of use proceed with the libretto.

My wife was too beautiful for words, but not for arguments.

My wife is the kind of girl who will not go anywhere without her mother, and her mother will go anywhere.