You don't need people’s opinion on a fact. You might as well have a poll asking: ‘Which number is bigger, 15 or 5?’ or ‘Do owls exist?’ or ‘Are there hats?'

There are so many low points with stand-up. You are perpetually humiliated, so it doesn't really matter anymore. I don't have any dignity left to lose. An audience can’t hurt you anymore when you’ve been completely dismantled.

I realize how desperate it sounds for me, as a comedian, to ask you to laugh at my jokes.

Everybody should care about facts. That is something all of us should agree on.

I have exactly as much rhythm as you think I have.

When you do stand-up, you're just concerned with trying to leave with some semblance of human dignity at the end of your performance.

Congress never loses its capacity to disappoint you.