John Oliver Quotes

People in Britain see Richard Quest as a kind of an offensive cartoon character.

Do you know how hard it is to kill 30 million people? It's a logistical nightmare.

I'm British. I don't really have access to my emotions on a daily basis.

As a general rule, no one should ever be allowed to say there is no history of racial tension here, because that sentence has never been true anywhere on Earth.

Sarah Palin has been hired back by Fox News, and she only left five months ago. She has now effectively quit quitting. She can't even commit to being uncommitted.

You don't really know when stand-up material is TV ready; it's just at what point you're willing to let it go and not work on it anymore. I'm not sure there is a point at which you think: 'And that is finished.'

I was definitely prepared for it to be slower, and it has not worked out that way in any shape or form. I'm grateful as a comedian, and slightly demoralized, occasionally, as a human being - those two things are always very different.

The disconnect between America and its military is shocking.

I think it might honestly be time for the Sunshine State to officially change its motto to the Worst State.

I've made so many people angry that they kind of blur into one unpleasant memory of people staring at you with somewhere between passive aggression and active aggression.

You just try to be true to your idea of what is funny and what is also interesting.

If you’re asking me, would I have voted for Mitt Romney, the answer is absolutely not. Emphatically not. I cannot envision a world in which I would have voted for Mitt Romney unless I sustained a massive concussion.

When you've married someone who's been at war, there is nothing you can do that compares to that level of selflessness and bravery.

Being a Mets fan is like lending someone a lot of money and you just know that you'll never get paid back.

The moment I accept that there's an artistic, redeeming quality in puns, I have a horrible feeling I'll get hooked.

Armando Iannucci is one of my heroes. As I was growing up, he was probably the most influential comic voice that I had.

If you want to do something evil, put it inside something boring.

I'm always interested in audience interaction. Not so much aggressive audience interaction - I'm genuinely interested in how people see things.

It really helps a comedian to be an outsider.

People are always going to say stupid things, and you're always going to be able to make jokes about that, but it should be the last thing you add in, because it's the easiest thing.

People, I guess, generally come to see me do stand-up with a working knowledge of my broad sense of humor on The Daily Show ... I don't think anyone would mistake me as an actual anchor.

The poverty line is like the age of consent: if you find yourself parsing exactly where it is, you’ve probably already done something very, very wrong.

A Southern accent is not a club in my bag.

I'm British, so obviously I repress any powerful emotions of any kind in relation to anything.

When you're doing stand-up, you want to stand onstage and, to the extent that you can, uncomplicatedly entertain.

Campaign ads are the backbone of American democracy if American democracy suffered a gigantic spinal injury.

I don't think I'm identified as the anchorman, I think I'm identified as the impostor anchorman - there's a very clear line there ... I don't think it changes the way they respond.

Pumpkin spice lattes are egg nog for morning people.

Stand-up comedy seems like a terrifying thing. Objectively. Before anyone has done it, it seems like one of the most frightening things you could conceive, and there's just no shortcut - you just have to do it.

We in Britain stopped evolving gastronomically with the advent of the pie. Everything beyond that seemed like a brave, frightening new world. We knew the French were up to something across the Channel, but we didn't want anything to do with it.

I've always been interested in socially political, or overtly political, comedy.

I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley -- the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you're in your Vegas years. You've squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you're wheezing your way through 'Love Me Tender' and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet. But you're still the King.

The British media is sinking down, as the American news media has lowered the bar for all of humanity. British news media is definitely trying to stoop down to that level. Everyone is stooping to the lowest common denominator.

British people would die for their right to drink themselves to death.

I would much rather America was a more stable, wonderful place. You know, I love it.

Veterans' issues are quite close to my heart. I find it quite hard to talk about, actually.

It's pretty physically unsettling, living life on a visa.

I'm not really much of an actor, so when I started on 'The Daily Show', I was just trying to adopt the faux authority of a newsperson.

I think Americans still can't help but respond to the natural authority of this voice. Deep down they long to be told what to do by a British accent. That's why so many infomercials have British people.

News is not a game show. You don't win a car if you happen to be right.

There are so many low points with stand-up. You are perpetually humiliated, so it doesn't really matter anymore. I don't have any dignity left to lose. An audience can’t hurt you anymore when you’ve been completely dismantled.

It's a great time to be doing political satire when the world is on a knife edge.

You can write jokes at any point of the day. Jokes are not that hard to write, or they shouldn't be when it is literally your job.

Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we're just saying it's a little bit weird you didn't have to.

Florida, just because you're shaped like some combination of a gun and a d*ck doesn't mean you have to act that way.

Having a human conversation is not something I've had any training in either as a comedian or as, you know, a human being.

The only thing I'm nervous about is talking to guests like human beings, because all of my interviews so far have been attacking people. I have a genuine concern about sitting across from an actor whose movies I obviously haven't seen.

Democracy is like a tambourine, not everyone can be trusted with it.