When you do stand-up, you're just concerned with trying to leave with some semblance of human dignity at the end of your performance.

If you want to do something evil, put it inside something boring.

I wanted to be a soccer player. I knew that couldn't happen.

Being a Mets fan is like lending someone a lot of money and you just know that you'll never get paid back.

I think I'm just a summer fling that people will soon forget.

Americans just don't understand dry wit.

Armando Iannucci is one of my heroes. As I was growing up, he was probably the most influential comic voice that I had.