Welcome to The Daily Show, I'm John Oliver. Jon Stewart is still not here. He is currently living out a live-action Lord of the Rings role-playing experience deep in the New Zealand wilderness.

I don't think I'm identified as the anchorman, I think I'm identified as the impostor anchorman - there's a very clear line there ... I don't think it changes the way they respond.

Having a human conversation is not something I've had any training in either as a comedian or as, you know, a human being.

I watch one news channel until my soul can't take it anymore. It's the background of my life.

Florida, just because you're shaped like some combination of a gun and a d*ck doesn't mean you have to act that way.

I'm British, so obviously I repress any powerful emotions of any kind in relation to anything.

Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we're just saying it's a little bit weird you didn't have to.