Welcome to The Daily Show, I'm John Oliver. Jon Stewart is still not here. He is currently living out a live-action Lord of the Rings role-playing experience deep in the New Zealand wilderness.

When you're doing stand-up, you want to stand onstage and, to the extent that you can, uncomplicatedly entertain.

There are two kinds of hecklers: the destructive and constructive hecklers.

I think I'm just a summer fling that people will soon forget.

Sarah Palin has been hired back by Fox News, and she only left five months ago. She has now effectively quit quitting. She can't even commit to being uncommitted.

Americans just don't understand dry wit.

When I heard that Hitler had problems with flatulence, it's funny. What - does that make him a funny man? No. It means he had funny moments when his rear end was speaking louder than his mouth.