I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley -- the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you're in your Vegas years. You've squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you're wheezing your way through 'Love Me Tender' and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet. But you're still the King.

I feel more at home knowing I'm not really at home. It takes all the pressure off you trying to fit in!

Stand-up, for me, is really more of an addiction, so you have to feed the beast whenever you can.

Do you know how hard it is to kill 30 million people? It's a logistical nightmare.

If you vote for Democrats, you might as well give Al Quaeda a death ray and a manual.

You just try to be true to your idea of what is funny and what is also interesting.

Wow. Losing 95 percent of your audience in just five years. That basically makes Obama the NBC of presidents.