We invented words; we'll tell you how they're supposed to sound.

Having a human conversation is not something I've had any training in either as a comedian or as, you know, a human being.

I think deep down, this planet yearns for the days of the British Empire again. They long once more to be treated that badly, that politely. We did far worse things than you can possibly dream of, but we did it with that certainly gentlemanly swagger... Dreadfully sorry, but we seem to have crushed your entire continent's infrastructure. Allow me to make it up to you by offering you a job 4,000 miles away. No, no, I insist.

If you want to do something evil, put it inside something boring.

According to current Florida law you can get a gun, follow an unarmed minor, call the police, have them explicitly tell you to stop following [the minor] and choose to ignore that, keep following the minor, get into a confrontation with them, and if at any point during that process you get scared you can shoot the minor to death, and the state of Florida will say, 'Well, look: you did what you could.'

Everybody should care about facts. That is something all of us should agree on.

You just try to be true to your idea of what is funny and what is also interesting.