Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson.

Do you know how hard it is to kill 30 million people? It's a logistical nightmare.

I have a green card now, but they can take that away, yeah, they can take that away at any moment. So please don't; please let me keep it.

I think it might honestly be time for the Sunshine State to officially change its motto to the Worst State.

I would hate to meet myself at 15.

When you do stand-up, you're just concerned with trying to leave with some semblance of human dignity at the end of your performance.

Here in America, people come out to see what they've known you to do. In England it's like everyone comes out to tell you exactly how well they think you're doing.