Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson.

I don't know if there is some psychological thing of wanting to know where your doctor got his degree from before he comes into the medical room.

Being a Mets fan is like lending someone a lot of money and you just know that you'll never get paid back.

When you do stand-up, you're just concerned with trying to leave with some semblance of human dignity at the end of your performance.

As a general rule, no one should ever be allowed to say there is no history of racial tension here, because that sentence has never been true anywhere on Earth.

I'm British. I don't really have access to my emotions on a daily basis.

Wow. Losing 95 percent of your audience in just five years. That basically makes Obama the NBC of presidents.