The best way to thaw a frozen turkey? Blow in it's ear.

I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them.

I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.

Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.

He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.