The best way to thaw a frozen turkey? Blow in it's ear.

Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.

Entertainment is like any other major industry; it's cold, big business. The business end wants to know one thing: Can you do the job? If you can, you're in, you're made; if you can't, you're out.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

Audiences have proved time and again that they don't want a steady diet of any entertainer airing his social views - especially if he's a comedian.