Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

I don't think it's you that changes with success - it's the people around you who change. Because of your new status, they change in relation to you.

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.

We have two kinds of air: regular and chunky style.

Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds - one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively - the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.

I heard from my cat's lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.

May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!