Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!!

Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.

He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.