Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.

According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.

Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

I owe one thing to my public - the best performance I can give.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.