I think it's almost immoral to keep on with a marriage that's really bad. It just gets more and more rotten and vindictive and everybody gets more and more hurt. There's not enough honesty about marriage, I think. I wish more people would face the truth about their marital situations.

Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

People are brought up to think, "It's nice to be modest. It's nice to hide your light under a bushel." Well, bullshit! I've never bought that. In my business, the only thing you've really got is your talent; it's the only thing you have to sell.

There's a lot of hypocrisy in audiences. I'd never dream of telling even on a nightclub stage, let alone my show, some of the jokes that are told in a lot of the living rooms from which we get those letters!

There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King.

May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!