The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.

Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

I owe one thing to my public - the best performance I can give.

According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.