I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.

The good news is that the president gets another chance. The bad news is that he'll be two weeks older.

There's a lot of hypocrisy in audiences. I'd never dream of telling even on a nightclub stage, let alone my show, some of the jokes that are told in a lot of the living rooms from which we get those letters!

Happiness is.....finding two olives in your martini when youre hungry.

I've worked ever since I was a kid with a two-bit kit of magic tricks trying to improve my skills at entertaining whatever public I had - and to make myself ready, whenever the breaks came, to entertain a wider and more demanding public.

There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.