I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.

Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.

Pittsburgh is kind of like Newark without the cultural advantages.

I'm an entertainer; I try to give the public what it wants while I'm on the screen, and I'm completely sincere about it. If I don't happen to be a laughing boy off the screen, that doesn't make me a hypocrite or a phony.

People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'

I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business.

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.