Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.

You become successful, the way I see it, only if you're good enough to deliver what the public enjoys. If you're not, you won't have any audience; so the performer really has more to do with his success than the public does.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.

An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

When turkeys mate they think of swans.