NBC's a little jealous of CNN correspondent Wolf Blitzer. They want to get a reporter with a macho-sounding name too, so they're changing Irving R. Levine's name to Scud Shrapnel.

Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

I heard from my cat's lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.

How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?

Air Canada. That's a good name for a Canadian airline.

We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.