NBC's a little jealous of CNN correspondent Wolf Blitzer. They want to get a reporter with a macho-sounding name too, so they're changing Irving R. Levine's name to Scud Shrapnel.

It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself".

I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them.

I've worked ever since I was a kid with a two-bit kit of magic tricks trying to improve my skills at entertaining whatever public I had - and to make myself ready, whenever the breaks came, to entertain a wider and more demanding public.

If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace.

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.