Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

Americans, too many of them, take themselves too seriously. You're going to get rapped - by the viewers, by the sponsors and by the network brass - if you joke about doctors, lawyers, dentists, scientists, bus drivers, I don't care who. You can't make a joke about Catholics, Negroes, Jews, Italians, politicians, dogs or cats. In fact, politicians, dogs and cats are the most sacred institutions in America.

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.

Democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head - this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.