Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.

I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them.

Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.

It's the lack of this kind of open and honest education about sex that causes so many kids to grow up with sexual hang-ups.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

Who cares what entertainers on the air think about international affairs? Who would want to hear me about Vietnam? They can hear all they want from people with reason to be respected as knowledgeable.

In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.