Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'

It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself".

Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.

People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'

If God didn't want man to hunt, He wouldn't have given us plaid shirts.

I heard from my cat's lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.