It's the lack of this kind of open and honest education about sex that causes so many kids to grow up with sexual hang-ups.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.

The best way to thaw a frozen turkey? Blow in it's ear.

There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'