It's the lack of this kind of open and honest education about sex that causes so many kids to grow up with sexual hang-ups.

Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.

The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

I owe one thing to my public - the best performance I can give.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?