I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.

That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford - an actor and a stuntman.

I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.

An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?

I know a guy who gave up smoking cigarettes, consuming, sex, and wealthy meals.

Believe me, you don't walk away from the kind of money you make with a daily television show. You might get awful tired of it sometimes, but take a second look at the check and you get less tired right away.

Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.