I can't say I ever wanted to become an entertainer. I already was one, sort of-around the house, at school, doing my magic tricks, throwing my voice and doing Popeye impersonations. People thought I was funny; so I kind of took entertaining for granted It was inevitable that I'd start giving little performances.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Having money gives me the freedom to worry about the things that really matter.

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.

Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.

George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?