I can't say I ever wanted to become an entertainer. I already was one, sort of-around the house, at school, doing my magic tricks, throwing my voice and doing Popeye impersonations. People thought I was funny; so I kind of took entertaining for granted It was inevitable that I'd start giving little performances.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'

Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples.

What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.