If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

I get sick of that old rationalization, "We're staying together because of the children." Kids couldn't be more miserable living with parents who can't stand each other. They're far better off if there's an honest, clean divorce.

That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford - an actor and a stuntman.

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.

Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.

People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'

Only lie about the future.