If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

I'm an entertainer; I try to give the public what it wants while I'm on the screen, and I'm completely sincere about it. If I don't happen to be a laughing boy off the screen, that doesn't make me a hypocrite or a phony.

I know a guy who gave up smoking cigarettes, consuming, sex, and wealthy meals.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good, or you've got no business being out there.

May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!