If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

There's a lot of hypocrisy in audiences. I'd never dream of telling even on a nightclub stage, let alone my show, some of the jokes that are told in a lot of the living rooms from which we get those letters!

The price of Christmas toys is outrageous - a hundred dollars, two hundred dollars for video games for the youngsters. I remember a Christmas years ago when my son was a kid. I bought him a tank. It was about a hundred dollars, a lot of money in those days. It was the kind of tank you could actually get inside and ride in. He played in the box it came in. It taught me a very valuable lesson. Next year he got a box. And I got a hundred dollars' worth of scotch.

I am one of the lucky people in the world; I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.

We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.