If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Audiences have proved time and again that they don't want a steady diet of any entertainer airing his social views - especially if he's a comedian.

Everybody I meet in public seems to want to audition for me. If I ask a guy what time it is, he'll sing it to me.

According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.

Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.

I am one of the lucky people in the world; I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.

In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.