If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head - this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.

I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business.

When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.

The good news is that the president gets another chance. The bad news is that he'll be two weeks older.

Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.

I demand my right to a private life, just as I respect that right for everybody else.