Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good, or you've got no business being out there.

We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?

They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them.