Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good, or you've got no business being out there.

You become successful, the way I see it, only if you're good enough to deliver what the public enjoys. If you're not, you won't have any audience; so the performer really has more to do with his success than the public does.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

The best way to thaw a frozen turkey? Blow in it's ear.

I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, "I guess you're so big we bore you now."

Who cares what entertainers on the air think about international affairs? Who would want to hear me about Vietnam? They can hear all they want from people with reason to be respected as knowledgeable.

When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.