Health-wise, I couldn't have said what my life expectancy would've been if I'd just carried on doing solid blocks of stand-up.
Johnny VegasWhen I wasn't as attractive as I am now, I suffered at the hands of cruel children and their taunts until I realised that confidence and a bit of aesthetic care can overcome that.
Johnny VegasNever try to be witty with U.S. airport officials. It's always lost on them and you'll find yourself being put back on the plane.
Johnny Vegas