The Book of Mormon is so good it makes me f**king angry.

Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it's nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

Throughout his life, General Wesley Clark has stood up to some tough opponents. He battled the Viet Cong, and went toe-to-toe with Slobodan Milosevic. But today the retired four-star general capitulated to the fiercest enemy he's ever confronted: the American voter.

Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?"

Don't confuse [Father's Day] with Valentine's Day, and here's why. Boy, will you creep him out. I can just tell you from last year, uh, even if they do like chocolate, they don't want it from their son.

McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.