The reason I don’t worry about society is, nineteen people knocked down two buildings and killed thousands. Hundreds of people ran into those buildings to save them. I’ll take those odds every f*cking day.

Nobody out-rednecks the great state of America.

You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden.

People talk about sexual assault like it's a bad habit that men have.

America has had to deal with eccentric dictators in the past: Idi Amin, Muammar Qaddafi, Ming the Merciless... but now the security of the world is threatened by Kim Jong-il, a nerdy, pompadoured, platform shoe-wearer who looks like something you'd put on the end of your child's pencil.

That's the Senate Ethics Committee, an oxymoron since 1973.

Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla.