I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about.

I have the liberal dictionary right here...let's see how they define water-boarding: 'Something done by the evil troops, who we don't support, to innocent terrorists violating their rights to bomb our cities and make us get gay marriage.'

Everything in Italian sounds like 'Give me your money or I'm going to beat your @$$'.

[He died of thirst?] That sounds, if I might say, like the greatest Sprite commercial ever.

Remember that guy who got gored by a bull and the bull pulled his underwear off and he had to run around the ring naked? If that footage comes out, I'll run that.

Happy Valentine's Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you're probably alone. Valentine's Day is often times a, well, it's a manufactured day that really doesn't mean anything.

It seems like Michael Vick is going to jail for dog fighting. Hopefully, they won't have guard dogs.