I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about.

You can buy [John McCain's] book, but in a week and a half, he'll have another.

Body hair. You know when you're swimming as a kid and you want to crawl on your dad? None of us went anywhere near him. 'My god, a beaver! Everyone out of the pool!

Well, I'm sold. I'll take one America.

I wonder who really is the change candidate? It can't be both of them [Hillary Clinton & Barak Obama]. What would be a black man and a woman - how could that be different than the 43 other Presidents we've had?

I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.

The press is our immune system. If it overreacts to everything, we eventually get sicker.