I don't want to die before my parents die, especially my mother. Because I think that's tragic. Because I don't want her to get the chance to pick out what I'm going to wear for eternity.

If the world does need to repopulate at some point, the announcing team of Rob Lowe and Sofia Vergara, I think, would make very pleasant children.

That's the Senate Ethics Committee, an oxymoron since 1973.

I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963.

I remember having a grade-school teacher I thought was a hard-ass. When you're that age, you think the guy is Himmler. Then you visit him eight years later and he's wearing polyester pants, he's four foot eight, you think he's gay, and you're like, 'Are you the guy I was afraid of?

Apparently the only time the press gets it right is when the White House illegally leaks it to them.

The Republican party is the party of nostalgia. It seeks to return America to a simpler, more innocent and moral past that never actually existed. The Democrats are utopians. They seek to create an America so fair and non-judgmental that life becomes an unbearable series of apologies. Together, the two parties function like giant down comforters, allowing a candidate to disappear into the enveloping softness, protecting them from exposure to the harsh weather of independent thought.