President Bush announced we're going to Mars, which means he's given up on Earth.

The beautiful thing about faking a news show is the topicality is delayed.

Typically, when you're with your friends, premises are coming up left and right. But when you're on stage, you must create the premise. So you have to create the premise, paint the picture and then deliver the punch line.

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claims there are no homosexuals in Iran, just like there are no gay conservatives in the US.

If you don't get it right with your first family, you can always do it again with another.

In fourteen hundred ninety-two Columbus sailed the ocean blue and discovered America. Now, some have argued Columbus actually discovered the West Indies, or that Norsemen had discovered America centuries earlier, or that you really can't get credit for discovering a land already populated by indigenous people with a developed civilization. Those people are communists. Columbus discovered America.

You know, I've always wanted to be a young Charles Kuralt. I started in this business with just a Winnebago and a dream.