A good reliable set of bowels is worth more to a man than any quantity of brains.

There is only one good substitute for the endearments of a sister, and that is the endearments of some other fellow's sister.

Love is said to be blind, but I know some fellows in love who can see twice as much in their sweethearts as I do.

I called my cat William because no shorter name fits the dignity of his character. Poor old man, he has fits now, so I call him Fitz-William.

One legged chickens, I know, are the least apt to scratch a garden.

The time to pray is not when we are in a tight spot but just as soon as we get out of it.

Pedigrees seldom improve by age; the grandson is too often a weak infringement on the grandsire's parent.