I look at life like a big book and sometimes you get half way through it and go 'Even though I've been enjoying it, I've had enough. Give us another book.'

The reason there are so many gyms in London is because the amount of gay people who are here now.

Why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?

If you had five photos of anuses, I could not point mine out.

People say having kids is life changing, well that doesn't necessarily mean a good thing, does it? I could take one of my legs off. That would change my life.

I think people would live a bit longer if they didn't know how old they were. Age puts restrictions on things.

If you haven't got eyes, you shouldn't have wings