I don't really like surprises. Not big ones anyway. Just having a pack of Revels holds enough of a surprise for me.

Comedy's really subjective, you know.

They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.

That's the problem with them fables, they're putting animals together that wouldn't meet. I don't know where a scorpion is knockin' around with a frog.

Avocados, it's a food that ain't worth injuring yourself for. If it's a hassle to get into, leave it to the experts.

I don't know what the future is, but you just do it whilst it's there, don't you?

Making the 'An Idiot Abroad' series, I was really dreading going to India; I thought I'd hate it. It was a nightmare, and I was really ill - just like everyone says.