If you had five photos of anuses, I could not point mine out.

There was some women in a café the other week that I was sat in, and she came up and she sat down with her mate and she was talkin' loudly goin' on about "oh the baby's lovely." They said it's got, er, lovely big eyes, er, really big hands and feet. Now that doesn't sound like a nice baby to me. I felt like sayin' it sounds like a frog. But I thought I don't know her, there's only so much you can say to a stranger. I don't know what kept me from sayin' it.

I've always wanted to kick a duck up the arse

Could the world fall?

Heaven? Floating about with everyone you ever knew for eternity? Me family does me 'ed in after one day at xmas, I'd rather be mush.

I look at life like a big book and sometimes you get half way through it and go 'Even though I've been enjoying it, I've had enough. Give us another book.'

That's the problem with having a bald head. It exaggerates the shape.