Comedy's really subjective, you know.

The problem I have with all this religion stuff is that I can't relate to it. I think most people got into 'cos it gave them something to do on a Sunday, but since all the shops are now open it isn't required as much.

In the sea you've got to be constantly sort of alert. It's worse in the sea [than anywhere else in the animal kingdom]. In the sea you've got an enemy behind every rock.

Apparently you're not allowed to lick a toad's back.

If Dracula can’t see his reflection, how come his parting’s always neat?

If you sit in a bath of pineapple chunks, it can kill you. That's well documented.

Happiness is like a cake: have too much of it and you get sick of it.