Me mum used to always have the radio on - even now she has it on in every room. Me girlfriend sort of blames that reason for me not doing that well at school - constant noise, really.

If you’re worrying about the wrinkles on your bollocks I’d say your life’s pretty good

The only reason you don't go on holiday, is 'cause you have to spend money.

They do it in Thai restaurants in London. You ask for a drink, and it comes in a glass with loads of seaweed and pebbles in it like a scene from Finding Nemo.

If you sit in a bath of pineapple chunks, it can kill you. That's well documented.

I thought the fart was a human thing. It's something to do with like, arse cheeks, or whatever.

it annoys me a bit how people like squirrels but not rats. at the end of the day they're the same thing, except that squirrels have had a better upbringing.