It is hard eating a little kangaroo knob.

I know who I am. Bloody hell, I'm getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, 'cos if I'm not, I have no idea who I'm paying for

If Dracula can’t see his reflection, how come his parting’s always neat?

I think people would live a bit longer if they didn't know how old they were. Age puts restrictions on things.

It's just hassle of having friends and family an' that.

People who live in a glass house have to answer the door.

I say have the night and give people the awards, but why do people want to watch people win awards? What are they getting out of it? I don't quite get it. Because they have awards all the time; there's awards for butchers, the best meat served, but they don't televise it. I don't know why they do it for films or TV programs.