I've always wanted to kick a duck up the arse

The poorer people and criminals of Mexico who are not very religious but not quite atheists, either, worship Saint Death.

She gave me the jabs and said I was covered for every worst-case scenario, including being bitten by a dirty chimp. I told her this is why we have over-population problems. Why are idiots who annoy dirty chimps being protected?

The only reason you don't go on holiday, is 'cause you have to spend money.

If you go away with, you know, a girlfriend, wife, whatever, you have an argument on holiday because you're not used to spending that much time with people.

If you haven't got eyes, you shouldn't have wings

Cat food. It stinks a bit, but if you don't put up with the smell, the little kitten will die.