I don't think I'd be a very good parent. I'd be too honest.

I don't know why small chocolates are called fun-sized; I mean, if I called a midget fun-sized, they'd kick off.

I don't really like surprises. Not big ones anyway. Just having a pack of Revels holds enough of a surprise for me.

They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.

For me, a good holiday is about value for money rather than things to see.

Being honest with you, it's not the 'great' wall of China. It's an all right wall. It's the 'All Right Wall of China.'

Blind people can stay up longer than someone with eyes.