I've never won many awards, I didn't get certificates for swimming or anything.

Why is it alright to be going around, going mental with a gun, shooting all the monkeys and killing them? Because one day we're going to run out.

We've invented most of the stuff that we need and now we're just messing about

They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.

Cat food. It stinks a bit, but if you don't put up with the smell, the little kitten will die.

I look at life like a big book and sometimes you get half way through it and go 'Even though I've been enjoying it, I've had enough. Give us another book.'

A dog has got human eyes.