If you haven't got eyes, you shouldn't have wings

Making the 'An Idiot Abroad' series, I was really dreading going to India; I thought I'd hate it. It was a nightmare, and I was really ill - just like everyone says.

I don't know why small chocolates are called fun-sized; I mean, if I called a midget fun-sized, they'd kick off.

If you go away with, you know, a girlfriend, wife, whatever, you have an argument on holiday because you're not used to spending that much time with people.

What I mean is, I don't know what I mean.

I've always wanted to kick a duck up the arse

We came from the sea originally, now we're going back in it. Don't go in it, unless you're in a boat.