I don’t understand why people take pictures of mimes. Everyone looks like a mime in a picture.

The great pyramid is overrated. It's a bad design. The lounge is going to be huge, but the bedroom is going to be tiny.

Whether it's a potato or a nut, it's a foodage!

I've never thought about it before, but I suppose bad people might need someone to pray to, too.

I know who I am. Bloody hell, I'm getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, 'cos if I'm not, I have no idea who I'm paying for

Your dreams should never be better than your real life

I've never understood the 'things to do before you die' idea. If I was ill, I'd be in no mood to have a swim with a dolphin.