I am all for people having their heart in the right place; but the right place for a heart is not inside the head.

Spring makes everything look filthy.

It's a pity more men are not bastards by birth instead of vocation.

Being young is not having any money; being young is not minding not having any money.

I blame Rousseau, myself. "Man is born free", indeed. Man is not born free, he is born attached to his mother by a cord and is not capable of looking after himself for at least seven years (seventy in some cases).

It might be marvelous to be a man - then I could stop worrying about what's fair to women and just cheerfully assume I was superior, and that they had all been born to iron my shirts. Better still, I could be an Irish man - then I would have all the privileges of being male without giving up the right to be wayward, temperamental and an appealing minority.

From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.