When my pals in high school were starting to drink, it always looked unappealing to me. I would be at a big party and see one of the popular girls or football players completely wasted and puking and acting a fool, and think to myself, there is nothing cool about that. I never wanted to be that out of control.

Remember, folks, I am a comedian, not a journalist.

I'm saying that she (Whitney Houston) looks great for a singer... the way Courtney Love is a singer.

Do you remember a little phenom called step aerobics? If you do, then you know how crazy it was to take two ninety-minute classes in a row. It’s incredible that I didn’t die from a blunt injury to the back of my head from slipping on my own pool of sweat.

I prefer big Oprah. I know Oprah wants to be skinny Oprah, but her head is too gigantic to fit on a skinny body. She has to accept that, like Kirstie Alley, she was meant to be... ahm... voluptuous!

When I see you, I smile. When I touch you, I feel you. When I kiss you, I love you!

I have what I call A-list moments, but believe me, I'm still on the D-list.